Lies
by Snowflakes-GSR
Summary: GSR - Sequel to 'decieved' [not too important to read that] - Sara's POV - What did Grissom lie about? WIP
1. Default Chapter

Author: Lithium Shamrock   
  
Spoilers: Not really.   
  
Paring: Grissom & Sara  
  
Authors note: Sequel to 'Deceived' – because I was asked for a Sara POV.   
  
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[Sara's POV]   
  
I hate this.   
  
I hate having to sleep out here, just because I can't stand the thought of you touching me; because physically, my body would accept you back in a heartbeat.   
  
But emotionally, you've wounded me. And that's all I'm prepared to assume about the damage.  
  
Because wounds can heal; or they can leave scars.   
  
And it's going to take time to tell what this incident will leave me with, a scar, or just a distant memory.   
  
Most people would say the worst thing is the lying. But I'm not too sure about that. It's the combination of everything.   
  
It's taught me one thing; you don't lie well.   
  
You're good at avoiding the truth; shifting attention, changing the subject, talking in a round about way, or being avoidant.   
  
But you can't lie; and, it may seem stupid, but I thought you'd be a good liar. That's not because I believe you're a deceptive person, but because you see the signs everyday, it's your job.   
  
You talk to suspects; and you always see the signs, and interpret them, you can tell if a person is lying before they can.   
  
And I guessed that you'd use that knowledge to your advantage, but you didn't; I've seen murderess lie better.   
  
But I didn't even need those skills. Because I knew.   
  
I suspected before the question, but I knew straight away after….   
  
'Did you sleep with her?'   
  
….I saw it in your eyes. They were full of regret, embarrassment, and the fear.   
  
I knew right there and then that you'd lied to me. You'd done something wrong, and not had the decency to confess to me.   
  
'How could you think you'd get away with it?'   
  
And what makes it worse is that you taught me how to detect a lie.   
  
And it makes me feel insulted.   
  
Because either you didn't think I would work it out; the lies, the deceit.   
  
Or you wanted to be caught.   
  
I don't know which would be worse. That you think I'm a bad detective, or the thought that you might enjoy being caught.   
  
I guess I shouldn't blame you too much. You're just a man; no matter what my heart says. You're bound to do things wrong.   
  
It's just…we'd been apart for so long; I guess I expected things to be perfect when we got together. I expected things to be all right. You wanted me, I wanted you. And now we had each other.  
  
'Isn't my dedication to you enough Gil Grissom?'  
  
I guess it isn't.   
  
It isn't what you did; it's the fact you did it.   
  
It spoils the perfect notion of us being together; and truly having something. I wouldn't put my career on the line for a fling, or something that seemed hopeless. It's not my style. I need a balance of good things in my life.   
  
Before work was the only thing in my life; and I love my work.   
  
If anything was going to join it, it had to be good, and pure. I thought that was you, and I can only hope it still is.  
  
I keep trying to think what she has, and I don't. I keep mentally picturing her; and I don't see anything that special.   
  
And that's all I will examine.   
  
I refuse to look over her academically, or judge her personality.   
  
Because although I'm prepared to accept that a man will make a mistake, because he's seen something which has better 'assets,' or was in the right place at the right time, but I refuse to believe you connected on anything substantial.   
  
Because if you did; I'm gonna go crazy – not with you, but with myself. Because it will show that I've been seeing something that isn't there.   
  
And that's because I don't want to think 'we're just another couple' – I want to think what we have together is special; like nothing else. That me and you are some sort of soul mates.   
  
And I know that seems ridiculous, even for me, but it's one of the only pre-connived romantic notions I've got left; and I'm going to hold onto it, at least for a little while longer.   
  
The sad thing is; ill probably forgive you.   
  
I don't want to be alone anymore, not just here in this house, but in my lifetime. I'm too afraid to leave – I want whatever we have together to have a chance. We still have something – I know that. Otherwise I wouldn't still be in your apartment; and I wouldn't still be sober.  
  
'You didn't even had the decency to change her clothes – I could smell her perfume on you.'  
  
I'd love to know why you did it. But I guess it's my fault I don't.   
  
Firstly; I couldn't have been listening to you, or satisfying you, or being there for you.   
  
Secondly; I yelled at you.   
  
Our first fight, and I yelled idiotic statements at you, like some love-struck teenager who just caught her boyfriend cheating.   
  
…And you yelled back…   
  
I guess something else I didn't expect from you; you yelling at me, I expected you to be quietly defensive, not loud and aggressive – and surprised me so much.   
  
It was only after that you returned to your quiet self – someone once told me that you can't be in a good relationship unless you yell at each other once in a while, and I never believed it.   
  
But that's my fault too.   
  
I'm placing you high up; in my mind I've turned you into something you're not. I want you to be perfect – and most of the time you are.   
  
But you can't always be; and I know I'm not always.   
  
And relationships are about compromise, right?   
  
'So compromise with me Gil Grissom! If you're gonna cheat on me, don't lie about it!'  
  
It's frustrating; deep down inside of me, beneath the hostile exterior, is a person who will forgive you immediately.   
  
But I'm not going to forgive you for a while.   
  
Because it wouldn't be fair on me or you; I'd probably become paranoid, and you'd become careless.  
  
I can't help but cry. Because my mind can't make sense of this. I need you to make sense of it for me, tell me that it was a mistake, promise me it wont happen again.   
  
But I can't speak to you right now.   
  
I don't want to say anything I'd regret, but I guess I already have.   
  
I'm going to forgive you. It's going to be hard, but I will.  
  
I'm just not sure how easy it's going to be to trust you.   
  
I guess I lost my perfect image of you, it's tarnished – Maybe that's a good thing, then next time you screw up, I wont get upset.   
  
I hope you realise Grissom, every time you have ever let me down, I've lost another piece of myself.   
  
…and if you keep this up, I'm gonna lose myself, and fade away….  
  
…  
  
…   
  
…..And when I do…  
  
…  
  
…  
  
Do you think /she/ will comfort you? 


	2. Chapter 2

I'm continuing this…because they don't deserve to be left heartbroken.   
  
You guys left some awsome reviews...thanks!   
  
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I can't sleep. Not knowing that you're out there upset. And I don't want to go out there, fear that I'll make you more upset.   
  
I didn't do it to hurt you. I would never do anything to hurt you…  
  
…I would never do anything to /deliberately/ hurt you.   
  
But I guess this must be deliberate. I must have made a conscious decision to sleep with her; it's not like it just happened. I had to do something to make it happen…and I did.   
  
Maybe, somewhere deep down inside I do want to hurt you. I can't feel any resentment toward you.   
  
This is one of the reasons I never wanted to get into this relationship; I love you too much. I know being with someone means being careful.  
  
And however aloof my façade may be, I am not careful with relationships. And I don't think you realise that yet. I don't do or say the right things.   
  
It was safer before we got together, because it didn't matter if I said the right or wrong things; I could still be free to go and mess up and it wouldn't affect you as much as it's affecting you now.   
  
She was just…there. I would say she seduced me, but I guess it takes two to play at that game. I should have resisted; but I'm weak…  
  
…And this is why I can't talk to you right now. I'm still in denial. I'm still attempting to justify my actions.   
  
And my actions were wrong. They had to be. I'm not one of these people who are enthusiastic about these things; I don't think it will make whatever we have together stronger.   
  
And I hate the thought that you may never trust me again. I'd love to think I deserve your trust, but I don't. Not after what I've done.   
  
I've ruined it, haven't I? Whatever 'this' is or was, it's gone now. We're beyond sorry. We're beyond plants and gestures.   
  
And I can't believe I yelled at you. You did not deserve that. I completely ripped into You, and I'd love to say that it was because I was angry with myself. But it wasn't. I was angry because I'd been caught. I was angry because I couldn't defend myself against the facts.   
  
And the fact is…I slept with someone…who wasn't you.   
  
It feels foreign; like a case I'd be working on. Girlfriend finds boyfriend cheating; girlfriend proceeds to injure boyfriend.   
  
I think you're above that though. Although, right now, I'd love for you to hurt me, physically, back - because I have the strange feeling that I need to be punished.   
  
And I guess that's because I want to be forgiven. If you hurt me back – I can consider it even. I can pretend that the situations cancel each other out.   
  
But really, I need to work at being forgiven.   
  
And, if I were any measure of a man, I wouldn't want you to forgive me straight away. I'd want you to make me earn that trust. Because what is trust if it isn't worked for?   
  
And I need to prove to you that I'm worthy.   
  
I can't stand the thought of losing you. Not now, not after all these problems we've face, all this time that's past.   
  
If I lost you now, I don't think I'd ever get over it.   
  
My stomach turns again; I can hear you sobbing.   
  
And I hate myself because I'm the reason you're sobbing. I did something so terrible that I've reduced the woman I love to tears.   
  
I'm not even going to consider the possibility that we would have been better off if we didn't get together.   
  
No chance.   
  
Whatever we've had up to now has been so good; I never thought I could love a person so much. I never thought it was possible to love this much.   
  
God, Sara, even I'm wondering why I did such a thing.   
  
I can't stand the sound of your sobs anymore. It's like nails down a chalkboard; except I don't hear it in my ears; I hear it in my heart and soul.   
  
I just hope I can comfort you.   
  
But I'm not sure how. How do I tell you that I was wrong? How do I make you believe what I'm saying is the truth?   
  
I'd do anything right now to make you stop crying.   
  
Anything.   
  
Just tell me what to do. 


End file.
